I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
