god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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