Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
