A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
