Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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