you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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