I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
they need to just BURY HIM!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
