just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
