I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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