Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
