im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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