well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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