what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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