I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
