I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
