Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I came so hard my ears popped.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
