my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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