I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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