you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
