Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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