somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
