I'm going to jail i love you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
