If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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