So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
