sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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