so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
