It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
