I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
