I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i wish my penis had a tongue
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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