Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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