dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
