guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
