i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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