Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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