At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
