Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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