wanna go halves on a baby?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
