You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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