see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
