1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
3 2 1 whiskey
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
