He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
