i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
