just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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