I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
