he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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