piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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