i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
