You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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