He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
