i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
