i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
