So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
