brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
