He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
