he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
