did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
