So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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