I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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