just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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