I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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