Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
