whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
