I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
