I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
