just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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