I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Vodka?
Forever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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