I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
