Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
