I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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